| another heart has made the grave |
[22 Aug 2008|06:22am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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yes i do and you know i always will |
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it's 6:22 in the morning and i've been drinking. I wanted to talk about that summer, and how things just kind of escalated... with 'Lex and everything...
...but i find that thinking about 2004 is very upsetting, especially in this mindset.
So, I will say this. I am a fan of individually wrapped slices. For a lot of reasons.
The horror and convenience of the modern age folded together in a marriage that speaks to each of us.
fuck
stay tuned
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| me + one |
[08 Aug 2008|06:11pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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mates of state |
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There was something familiar about him, but I couldn't place it. It was like when you wake up feeling a terrible, pressing sense of urgency leftover from a dream, but you have no idea what you were supposed to do or how to direct that awkward, misplaced clutch of feelings.
He didn't even turn to look at me. He stared down into the valley as the natural light faded and the electrical ones clicked on one by one. "It's happening again", he said. This made perfect sense to me, although I can't tell you why. Everything about him was like something leftover from a dream, forgotten but familiar.
"Did you you know that the structure they built at Babel wasn't a tower?", he asked. I made no reply.
"It was a vault.", he continued.
"They weren't trying to reach God. They were trying to keep a god imprisoned. The vault was built by a several tribes who came to work together once they realized the threat this creature would represent if it was able to fully manifest in the world, so they built a crypt around it's entry point. However, this old god fed on thoughts of itself, so it cursed the tribes. It gave them a unified language: Glossolalia. With the ability to openly communicate, they were able to build faster than ever, however, at night, when they spoke of their work, and the reason for it, the enemy grew stronger."
A cool October wind brushed past us. The sky was a dark purple. He sat, still facing away from me. I don't know how long it took for me to ask him what happened.
"They found the solution. Silence. Forbidden from speaking, they completed the Vault at Babel. Then, each tribe left in a separate direction, each vowing not to teach Glossolalia to their children, and in it's tomb, the monster roared impotently.
"It's name was Jeff."
"What the fuck?", I couldn't help but spit out. This was, of course, pretty ridiculous.
Then, he finally turned to face me, and I couldn't tell if he was human at all.
(2008 - Reggie you can suck it :p)
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| lazy days |
[28 Jun 2008|08:19am] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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birdsong |
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I'm not sure if it's the shock of suddenly being back in a relaxed, normal situation or what, but I've been laying around doing mostly nothing. And I'm okay with it. Th forest seems to lean towards the new house, threateningly, but I am not disturbed. My dreams have been sweet and soft.
Yesterday, I drank a few beers and walked down to the old house. Before that, I hadn't been able to bring myself there. I walked up that winding, menacing driveway alone. There was nothing left. Even the foundation was hard to pick out. The earth had rolled over it and weeds grew from everywhere, even out of the concrete.
I went into the back yard and found my old path, and walked it down into the valley. Soon enough, I came to the mound that overlooks that sickly river, where the path breaks and where I first met Colin. I think that that meeting, back in 2004, is where everything really started to go wrong.
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| Hunting Girl |
[10 Jun 2008|06:43pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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weird science |
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Well, here I am.
Astoundingly enough (to me anyway), I'm staying in a house just down the street from where the old one used to stand. I have mixed feelings on the earlier entries in this journal. It doesn't take any kind of genius to see that I was a brainless little asshole, but on the other hand, these entries are all that I have left that connect me to who I was, and these are the beginning of the whole story, what led to the whole mess and the reason I've been gone for four years.
At first, upon reading this journal, I planned on deleting the whole thing, because the little girl who wrote it was such a completely self-absorbed, brainless little whore. But then, I decided that maybe I could use this as an outlet. I decided that I am going to tell the whole story, and talk about the aftermath as it happens. This is mainly for me, but I think it will make me feel better to know that others may be reading. It will be reassuring to think that some else might hear this story, because right now I am completely alone.
That all being said, I'd like to post a bit of a disclaimer. Everything I write here has been, and will be, completely true. Some people might find some of this hard to believe, and if you are one of those people, feel free to consider this to be fiction, and enjoy it as such.
This is a story about a stranger that lived in my house when I was in high school, and a girl with one arm that spoke to me in dreams that I didn't remember until years later.
Damn, next time I update I really need to change the layout and the intrests. I was such a little piece of shit back then.
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| cancer merchant |
[10 Jun 2004|08:50am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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Being in school sucks so much.
Last night mom and I had an unbelievable blowout. Lots of screaming, throwing of things, etc. Eventually I got myself worked up into a panic attack, then mom calmed down and tried to comfort me, lots of tears, all that bullshit. It really sucked. Since I felt bad about our fight I agreed to go to school today and actually got in less than an hour late.
Then again, I'm in the library instead of in class, so who's laughing now?
I feel like such shit. I'm gonna go cancerize in the girl's bathroom, no one ever checks in there.
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| i was up way up in the sky |
[02 Jun 2004|10:22am] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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pretty hate machine |
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Well, it's been a while, I know. I've been really out of it since saturday. I've been meaning to write about it but like I said, I've just been fucking dazed.
So yeah, I'm not in school today. It's really too easy, I mean, mom doesn't even fucking notice or care, and she's always gone by the time the school calls, so whatever.
but anyway.
On saturday, mom was gone and I was alone here. I called Lily around seven and asked her what was going on that night, and she said she didn't really know but she'd call me back when she had plans. After that, I called Mark and pretty much had the same exact conversation. So I sat around for a while, and I was really bored and kind of pissed off, just waiting for the phone to ring. At like 9 I called them both again, and Lily said she was prolly just gonna stay in, which made me a little mad, and Mark's mom told me he had gon out, which made me REALLY mad. So I felt ditched and bored and I was still just hoping that SOMEONE would call, I wanted to get out of the house more than anything. I started to get a little creeped out, I mean, I'm still not really used to this house, and it's like 300 years old and wierd and it has all these little doors and dark corners and shit. Welcome to fucking New England right? I can't believe I live here now. But yeah, I was sitting in the living room and I was all bugged out and I started thinking that I was haring voices in other parts of the house. I managed to totally freak myself out, and I didn't want to move from the couch or even look behind me, but eventually I had to get up to go to the bathroom. The house was so silent, and I was completely terrified. After pissing, I walked over to the sink and my heart completely stopped when I saw a splatter of blood on the tile by the door. I fucking screamed, I was sure there was someone in the house with me, and that something terrible was going on. Then I took a few deep breaths and realized that I must have banged my arm on the door on the way in, because allot of my fresher cuts had opened up, and I was bleeding everywhere.
I cleaned myself up and turned on all the lights in the house. Mom came home around one and it turns out that there wasn't anyone else in the house, of course. It was pretty scary though, just knowing that I can get mylf worked up into that kind of state.
I've had a few big fights with Mark at school since then, but I'll talk about that next time. Right now I'm gonna climb up on the roof and smoke a bowl all alone. It's so sad.
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[28 May 2004|02:31pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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I fucking hate school.
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| I've been working on a piece that speaks of sex and desperation. |
[26 May 2004|04:11pm] |
I'm having trouble drawing today.
There are allot of new cuts on my left arm, and they're sore, but it feels good. The thing about that kind of pain is that I have control over it. I decide when I want to feel it, unlike the kind of pain caused by the awful people I'm constantly surrounded by. Pain is good when it doesn't come as a crushing suprize. The pain from cutting is a welcome distraction, and it takes my mind off of the rest of my life. I wish I had someone I could talk to about it.
anyway, I guess it's long sleeves for a while, teehee. *_*
I spent like an hour on the phone with Mark last night. I think it's starting to get wierd, and I think he's starting to realize that. I don't really know what to do about him, I mean, I love him as a friend, but sometimes lately, it's just felt, well, I don't really know. I don't want to get into it until I make up may mind about how I feel.
After that, everyone in the house was asleep but I kept thinking I heard wierd noises all over, like footsteps and whispering. I dunno, my house is real old, maybe it's haunted. That'd be cool.
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| ugh |
[24 May 2004|02:02am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Sunny Day Real Estate - Guitar and Video Games |
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That "party" was fucking shitty. It started out okay, Lily and I were stoned off our asses when Mark picked us up from her house at eight thirty or so, and Keenan had some vodka that Lily and I drank a whole bunch of as soon as we got there. By eleven at least fifteen people were there and I could tell they wanted me out. A bunch of preppy losers with fucking preppy snide comments, I should have known it wasn't going to be a real party. Fucking assholes. I was so plastered by that point that I stumbled outside and puked in the bushes outside Keenan's front door. Lily came out and held my hair back for me, what a good friend...
I guess while we were out there someone said something to Keenan, because as soon as we got back in Mark was at the front door shoving us out again and towards his car before we could even say anything. I was pissed off but too drunk to really care. Mark told us that no one had said anything but I could tell he was lying so he wouldn't hurt our feelings. That's nice of him I guess, but how can I trust him if he keeps secrets from me? Especially something as important as that?
I've been betrayed too many times. I don't want to get hurt again, but Mark is becoming such a good friend, I don't want to push him away. I want to talk to him but I don't think he'd understand. I guess that's the problem, really. No one ever fucking understands.
I woke up thinking about that this morning and realized I was sick to my stomach. I grabbed the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes...an angel pin that my fucking mother put on my pillow...I cut an X in my left shoulder, and I carved into it again and again until the blood flowed and I felt better. My stomach unclenched, my breathing slowed, and I promptly fell back to sleep, hehe. I woke up with some blood on my pillowcase from my shoulder. I hid the pillowcase in my closet and put a band-aid on the cut so no one can see it. Because if they saw it, even Lily, they wouldn't understand. She used to cut, too, but she doesn't anymore, we quit together...we said all we needed was each other...but drama happens, you know, and it's not that Lily isn't enough, it's just that...sometimes I need something else. I need a release, and there's nothing else that works quite the same way.
Unfortunately, if anyone finds out, I'll be in a heap of shit, which is why I started this journal, I guess...so I could vent all of this to people who have no way to send me to doctors and shrinks and hospitals just because they don't understand.
Like I said, that's the real problem. No one fucking understands.
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| bleeding hearts |
[22 May 2004|06:20pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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music |
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ima robot - philosophofee |
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Lily just called me and told me there's a party brewing tonight at this dude Keenan's house. He's a dick, but whatever, free booze.
I told my mom I was staying at Lily's, but she has to know by now that something is up, I mean I fucking "stay at Lily's" every fucking weekend. Not that I care at all if my mother is suspicious of me, that bitch...you know what she fucking said to me today? She told me I look like a whore. A WHORE. Her own daughter. What the fuck. Just because I was wearing my fishnets on my arms and she was having a bad day. A WHORE. Come on MOM. Christ, SHE'S the whore, out with a different fucking guy every week...
Whatever. She's not worth being mad at. I'm gonna call Lily back and go to her house and get stoned. Fuck this place.
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| i sat alone and i didn't care |
[21 May 2004|02:09pm] |
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music |
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stellastarr* - my coco |
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Missed school again today. Whatever. The extra sleep was nice.
I need some fucking money. I "borrowed" two pairs of earrings from Hot Topic yesterday at the mall with Lex and when she found out it was a fucking DISASTER. Ohhh christ...
Let me tell you a little about Lex. Lex and I have been friends since elementary school. At the time, we were like sisters. We had everything in common, we thought the same boys were cute, listened to the same lame music that little kids listen to, you know. When we got to middle school, though, everything changed. We started hanging out with different people, dressing differently, liking different stuff. We hung out a lot less. Lex knows I smoke pot and occasionally dabble in other things, but she pretends she doesn't. God forbid I try to light a clove in front of her, unless I want it broken in half.
So anyway, when I showed Lex the earrings, she fucking threatened to bring them to mall security! What a bitch! I told her to take me home (but not before snatching the earrings back, lol), and she did. I apologized before I got out of the car and she just shook her head and said "Whatever Jenny." and drove off.
Sometimes I wonder why I even hang out with her anymore. Is it just for nostalgia, or because I actually like her? She's such a bitch sometimes, and all of my other friends despise her.
Whatever. Fuck Lex and her fucking christian morals. I'm gonna get back to drawing.
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| it all returns to nothing |
[21 May 2004|02:17am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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master - raized in black |
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I've started cutting again.
I don't know if there's much else to say.
I've started this journal. I think like it might help me with some of the stuff that I have to deal with right now.
It just seems that over the past year allot of parts of my life have become really shitty and allot more complicated.
I don't know. Maybe writing about it all will help.
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